Episode III
"Rated R for Ridiculous"

Just as soon as you get comfy in your new ride, you'll be approached by Kain, still under thr control of Golbez. Cecil is informed that if he ever wants to see Rosa again he must obtain the earth crystal and hand it over.

Frightened by the thought of never seeing his girlfriend again, Cecil does what any one of us would. He goes to the town led by dozens of scantly clad women and home to the only brothel in the world, the great Toroia.

As would be expected, there are lots of interesting people in this town. Some of the highlights include the famed "bad grammar warning guy":

The "Hmm, I wonder if TwinHarps will be essential to the story in the near future" girl:

And the filthy old pervert:

After you're done introducing yourself to the ladies walking around town (and skinny dipping in the lake) head to the whorehouse.

The Toroian whorehouse, referred to by its codename "Cafe" is one of the most interesting locations in the whole of Final Fantasy IV. I'll let the following images speak for themselves.

One of the prostitutes will offer you a mysterious "pass" for a whopping 10,000 gil. For Cecil's sake, raise the money. This is Cecil's only chance in the game to receive questionable favors from the "showgirls"


Well, after you've satisfied Cecil's raging libido head to the strangely placed Black Chocobo farm in the brothel's basement. Be sure to read the headline posted to the wall.

And if that doesn't do it for you, perhaps the near phonetically impossible noise that Black Chocobos make will.

When the signs of bad translation show even in the random noises of farm animals in your video game, that's pretty bad news.

Anyway, once you're all done in town head for the castle.

You might be wondering if you missed something. Perhaps a background on this mysterious elf who is evil by nature and decided to steal the earth crystal.

The story of Dark Elf is as follows: He is a mysterious elf who is evil by nature and decided to steal the earth crystal. Trying to understand may spontaneously cause your head to explode. My advice is to not even bother.

Instead, go visit Edward!

If you're thinking something along the lines of "What!?" then you're way ahead of yourself. Just wait until Cid opens his mouth.

This is what you would get at a restaurant if you ordered the "Irrelevent Textbox, (hold the sense.)"

Well, if you hadn't guessed, its time to catch a Black Chocobo and fly to the Dark Elf's cavern to retrieve the stolen earth crystal. Make sure to equip yourself with wooden armor and weapons so that you won't be affected by the magic-metal barrier that the Dark Elf created.

On a tangent, as it has went unsaid long enough.

VampGirls are HOT

Oh yeah, Dark Elf is also a robot who speaks in all caps.

...while disregarding the more basic rules of semantics.

He might not be the most gramatically correct boss, but he never fails to wipe you out on his first couple of turns. Luckily, Edward's horrible music pulls through for you again.

That's right, it's so terrible that it disrupts magnetism and allows you to equip all of your metal weapons again. Take the opportunity to destroy Dark Elf and obtain the earth crystal!

But wait... Dark Elf seems to have more tricks up his sleeve!


(After I finish printing out these VampGirl pinups <3)