Episode I
"Affirmative Action is going to be all over this"

The King of Fabul is officially put down, so as you probably already guessed, you'll be getting a slick new ride. This time you don't have to have three rocks sticking out of the water to pass.

And so, it's time once more to head off in no particular direction until you run into trouble again. Before you leave Yang will share some touching dialogue with his wife.

Yeah, I think it's safe to assume Yang never gets any.

Anyway, the crew of dwarf clones is utterly fascinated with Cecil for some reason and the Captain even offers his personal welcome to you.

Feat eh?... I wonder if he's talking about how you just failed to protect the kingdom of Fabul? Or maybe he's a sadist that has heard about how much abuse you dish out to Rydia on a regular basis?

I suppose he could be referring to any of the wonderful things Cecil has done so far in the game... Uh oh! Looks like trouble!


I think there's trouble... Umm, What does that exclaiming sentence even mean? It seems to be a question although it's just a loud, assertive remark.

Oh, Leviathan, king serpent of the seas, right. Okay so there is trouble, glad that's cleared up.

After Leviathan decides to attack you for no reason you'll all be hurdled from the ship. Cecil is somehow trajected into the air where he travels miles in a southward direction conveniently placing him right next to the town that progresses the story and leaving him teamless so that he can have spies in his party without breaking the 5 member team limit. Very slick.

Cecil is speechless at the situation. Well, almost.

Funny, I was thinking the same thing.

So just where is it that Cecil lands? Well, you've been here before in the game, except last time you were offing old guys. Anyway, the place isn't too thrilled about you being back and they do all kinds of nasty things to you.

This includes poisoning you,

Turning you into a pig (and laughing about it with incremental pauses),

And worst of all, confusing you with really, really bad game translation.

Hmm, something tells me he doesn't understand.

The following conversation that takes place with the elder is basically impossible to understand but luckily, again, you can sort of make it out from what happens.

You'll be assigned two helpers (spies!) to assist you in becoming a Paladin. If you succeed they'll totally forgive you for killing their citizens and stealing their most prized possession, sounds like a deal!

Make your way out of town and up the mountain to get started on your task. Half way up you'll meet up with an old friend, Tellah! He's still pissed off but since you only have 3 out of 5 spots in your party filled he joins you - and its a good thing he does otherwise you might not suspect that you'd have to fight a boss at the top of the mountain.

You have to be pretty damn evil for someone to physically feel your evilness.

OH NO It's the bush hag again! Oh wait, scratch that.

After casually introducing himself and shaking your hands, Milon will initiate battle with you and magically have undead zombies fighting alongside him.

Dispatch the mysterious zombies before you go for Milon as they'll eat your brains if you don't kill them. After you do enough damage to Milon he'll use his "12 Periods in a Single Textbox" attack.

After you defeat Milon walk 4 steps and you'll fight another boss.

Milon, again. Very exciting stuff. Beat him again and he'll tell you that you did so.

After this its all downhill, literally. Cecil becomes a paladin and swears he will never be such an asshole ever again, Tellah spontaneously remembers all of his spells, and the group returns together for a warm welcome.

Well, it didn't work for Michael Jackson, but Cecil is sure getting a good response from going dark to light. This black mage is so excited he decides to exclaim the obvious.

(Is that true!)