Episode IV
"If only he were as smart as he is weak"

Well, as you can clearly tell from the climax of the last episode, Tellah is too angry to continue traveling with you. But his leaving really goes to show you... With the loss of every angry old man with amnesia comes a vehicle that allows you to cross water that has three pointy rocks sticking out.

Well, we'd all really like to get to stopping the evil Golbez and his Republican Wings, but first thing's first, we have to save Rosa from the evil clutches of the horrible desert fever! I think desert fever was supposed to symbolically suggest that she slept around with members of the Taliban.

Once you reach the lair of Antlion you'll realize that Edward does exactly the same thing as Rydia in battle. Gets knocked out continuously. Best to just hack away with Cecil and let the two useless weaklings stay dead until the end.

Since Edward has been dead since the very first enemy encounter in the cave, he'll have to remind you at the very end that you're in the lair of Antlion. Well thanks for the info Captain Obvious.

I guess the idea was to show you that Edward is just like pretty boy singers nowadays. Completely and totally clueless.

Well I guess Antlion is tame if your definition of tame is big red aggressive freaky horned cockeyed beasts that want to devour you with a gross looking toothed oriface in their face.

If Final Fantasy IV had voice acting they would have definately gotten Mr. T to play Antlion. YES he's THAT aggressive. Anyway, surprise surprise If you sit there guess how much damage Antlion will do to Cecil? That's right, 1 hp. Guess how much he'll do to Rydia and Edward? If you said 5 gazillion you're absolutely correct. If you decide to actually attack Antlion, be prepared, he counters with a move that does exactly the same thing that takes 1 hp, but for some reason it takes like 30 hp, even from Cecil. That's right, a 2900% increase.

Call Chocobos and slice Antlion while drinking potions like a freak until he's defeated. Before heading out you'll have a nice informative talk amongst yourselves.

This must be one of Cecil's special abilities he was taught in Baron's Dark Knight training program: The ability to answer someone's question with a phrase that is totally unrelated without anyone realizing it.

Classmate: Hey Cecil, what's the square root of 8? Cecil: There is a bed in my room. Classmate: Ah! Got it, thanks man!

After you're finished here, head back to town to save Rosa!

There's something wrong with this picture. I thought the idea of curing her was so I didn't have to listen to this crap anymore?

I'm sorry. For my. Overuse. Of the period. Now who are you sleeping with!? I always sensed such a jealous overtone to this conversation. I also always get the feeling Rosa just made up this whole damn illness. Maybe it's the "I'm-so-not-a-real-sickness" symptoms, maybe it's the fact that rubies don't cure sicknesses, even if they are guarded by aggressive sand-beasts.

Or maybe it's just the horrible job Rosa does at fake-coughing after she's already "cured"

If you don't really hate Edward, well... You should. Square knew this, and decided that if he's going to persist as a character in the game something HAS to be done. Therefore you get a useless scene to basically illustrate that Edward plays such bad music it is capable of killing foul demons.


Kill the BushHag!

I find it funny that of the two characters on screen beside Edward, only one comes from the water, and that's Anna. "I believe in you Edward! Your music is so horrible it does physical damage to the enemy and occasionally lulls them to sleep!"

Maybe it wasn't the bombings that killed Anna afterall...

(Can't think of anything witty or clever.)