Episode III
"The One After Episode II"

At this point in Final Fantasy IV I always like to take a step back and feel really good about all of the great things I've accomplished in the game. Here is a list of some of the highlights so far:
  • Ruthlessly murdered old men and women.
  • Stole jewels.
  • Got fired.
  • Harrassed town folk.
  • Wallowed in self-pity.
  • Killed a little girl's mother.
  • Set the little girl's town on fire.
  • Slashed the little girl with a sword, putting her into a coma.
You're shaping up to be one hell of a hero! And to think, you're only about 20 minutes into the game. Anyway, when the little girl awakens from her coma, Cecil forces her to tell him her name. She agrees and decides to become his sidekick and help him out on his adventures. Just the reaction you'd expect from her, right? Of course.

Before heading out go visit your mysteriously dying girlfriend.

From the looks of her emotionally charged dialogue, you can tell her mysterious lethal sickness is bad news! If you ever want Rosa to say anything beside "Mmm..." again, you had better do some research, and fast. You can start at this bookshelf.

Well would you look at that, what luck! The title of the first book you set your eyes on tells you EXACTLY what you need to cure your girlfriend. If only all things in life were this cheesy... I mean easy.

Before rushing out to get the cure for Rosa I suggest you make a few important story-progressing stops. First of all you're going to want to put your hands into the fireplace before leaving the house.

OUCH! FIRE BAD! That must have been how Rydia's friends and family felt when you torched them in their sleep.

I've always questioned this guy's sexuality, I don't know why...

Once you've had enough of this town head for the cave to the northwest. Don't worry about catching desert fever like Rosa, she's the only one in the game that's allowed to catch it. You can thank the stupidity of the hypothetical illness for that one.

Appearantly killing off everything in Rydia's life wasn't enough for Cecil. He'll constantly let her get knocked out in battle and just laugh about it as everything that kills her in one hit takes a whopping 1 damage from him.

Tellah, the senior citizen, will notice Cecil's fascinating ability to take 1 damage from every aggressive monster on the planet and demand that he help defeat the big ugly monster at the end of the cave. You're supposed to believe that Tellah has amnesia but that was just a cheap excuse to make it so you could only use crappy ass spells.

No one seems to feel uncomfortable at the fact that the cave is infested with decomposing corpses that are somehow magically alive and trying to kill you. I guess it's no big deal, just use Tellah's crappy Fire 1 to take them all out. Rydia is basically useless because she's still scared of fire, aww poor baby. I guess it doesn't matter, if a gust of wind blows her too hard she'll fall down knocked out.

Pay no attention to Octomamm's freaky soul-piercing eyes and take him out with a few swipes and Bolts. CAREFUL, believe it or not he can actually hit Cecil for more than 1 hp per turn *gasp*


This scene would be a lot more tragic if the dead guys were actually dead. Appearantly these were those new bombs that, instead of killing people, make them constantly state the obvious.

And then there is this guy...

For some reason I was expecting more of a "HOLY F***ING SH** HELP ME, AHHHHHH MY LEGS, I CAN'T FEEL MY F***ING LEGS!" response when I talked to this guy. What was I thinking? Obviously losing profuse amounts of blood and being on the verge of death after a firey explosion would make any person in their right mind want to enthusiastically give hints to healthy passerbys.

Okay, it would REALLY suck to see the castle your daughter is in get bombed. However, it would REALLY REALLY suck if you found out she was the ONLY person that died in the bombing. It might even make you mad enough to let all of your anger out on the guy who brought her there. This is why the following scene constantly goes down as the most vulgar scene in any video game to date.

CAUTION: The following screenshot may be too vulgar for young readers. You have been warned.

(you spoony bard!)